Eric D. Snider - Snide Remarks - The Shame Companies: "My proposal (get it?!) is to do away with engagement rings altogether. When a man proposes marriage, he should get down on one knee, take the woman's right hand, and give her ... a check. A check made out to her for the sum of whatever a decent engagement ring costs, but with no signature. The deal? The day she says 'I do,' he signs the check and she can buy whatever the crap she wants with it.

For the next couple months, until they get married -- and they WILL get married, with all that loot on the line -- she can carry the check around and show it to her friends. She can call the zeroes in the dollar amount 'karats,' if she wants to, and the more 'karats' on the check, the more the guy loves her, or however that works.

There, I've solved it. Thank you and good night."